


Why I Changed My User Name

by JoelleEmmily



Category: Original Work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-20
Updated: 2018-12-20
Packaged: 2019-09-23 04:52:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17073821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JoelleEmmily/pseuds/JoelleEmmily





	Why I Changed My User Name

Originally, myself and several others have used variations on the Torious Crash name since 97, mostly as a way to obfuscate our identities online. At one time, "one of us," ran the biggest pirate server in Canada, but so long ago that the statute of limitations has expired on any charges which could've come from it, and also because it was so long ago, no one is using any of that software anymore... We were also all neo-anarchists... which is something you sometimes need anonymity for..

I also suffer from high anxiety, and one of the ways I've dealt with it, is by being "no one at all." I could use a name used by a number of other people to disappear in the traffic. My creative works could be attributed to no one in particular, my online purchases would be lost in a mass, and because we all used an anonymizing VPN together, most algorithms could not lock down any of our preferences. It really is a great way to ensure anonymity, scramble up your data with half a dozen other people.

But some of that's changed now... and not for the first time, but I think, for the final time. Some of my decision to use my real name, my first and middle name BTW, has to do with the experiences I lived through over the past few years... like no one noticing the MASSIVE personality changes, loss of motor skills, loss of balance, intellect regression, executive dysfunction, severe memory loss, and extreme lethargy... and the fact that I went from keeping in touch with people at least once a week, to them not hearing from me for months... And not a single fucking person was alarmed! And when I tried to talk about my concerns, every god damned person downplayed the symptoms I was experiencing -- "you seem alright," "you're not acting as dumb as some people I know," "you appear to be functioning just fine" -- to the point where I was questioning the severity of my own condition myself.

This proved two things to me: My family is populated by pricks, and I didn't make as close of friendships as I thought I had. Some of this is down to being an enabler, I tend to gravitate toward selfish people, make excuses for them, look for any reason to forgive them, and support them unconditionally "because that's what good people do." And I wanted to be a good person, and not a bitch, and not unaccommodating, and all those terrible things that if you're a woman reading this, you'll recognize what I'm trying to say. For guys, it's like being told, "don't be such a fag."

I lost a business, gained a bunch of weight, maxed out my credit cards because even in Canada and on FEDERAL disability, you're not given enough to live on -- and yet they won't let you use a suicide booth, jackasses! And yes, even though I've recovered, I wouldn't've minded being dead... because I would be dead, and not care about anything -- and I've literally forgotten chunks of my life. I can barely remember the past 5 years!

Then my grandfather died (no no, no sympathy, he was an asshole). The patriarch of the family. King of the jerks! I chose not to get involved, and acted like it was like a death in the family of a friend of a friend, or a cousin twice removed, or something. I have no idea if the rest of the family demonized me over this... because they were too busy eating each other alive. Granny, apparently promised to give Pawpaws ashes to Auntie Terrible, with no intention of following through with the promise. His coin collections and stashes of "worth something" garbage has likely been confiscated by gran-ma-ma, and if not, are being argued about because of who HE wanted them to go to, and everyone is trying to make the incident about themselves, trying to be the centre of attention. As a side note, my bet is that my grandmother goes broke inside a year.

Since family were some of the people I shared the name with, and because my "friends" ended up not being there for me when I needed them -- which sounds really selfish, but I'm always there for others, and the one time I needed someone to be there for me, like when I was losing my mind, no one was -- I'm killing the name. I've already changed all the passwords or deleted the accounts, which... generated some e-mail traffic... And now, I'm disentangling myself from the entity that was Tori Crash. I'm only keeping the name on two platforms, and only for a short time at that, Archive of Our Own, and Steam, because that's the name people know me as on those platforms.

To tell you the truth, I feel kind of naked using my own user names on everything... browsing amazon and youtube is WAY different, and not in a good way! My youtube recommendations list is very boring and very uniform, absolutely no variation. It basically keeps suggesting really samey things... like 10 million people complaining about Fallout 76... and really old stuff from people I've followed. It sucks, I like variety. My cell phone and tablet are acting all weird, my e-mail seems really small and vacant... I'm getting like 2 notifications a day instead of 2 a minute... It's like, really quiet... and I feel like, really small being just one person... I think I liked being an amalgam... And I REALLY liked spying in on conversations and stuff... Actually, thinking about it now, it's no wonder that I have a really twisted sense of privacy... I basically have none.

But now, it's just me, and with medication and therapy, I'm a lot more comfortable taking ownership of my creativity... and I'm a lot more assertive now that I've lived through... stuff. Not that it was very life shattering, other people go through a lot worse, but it was enough for me to change my prospective. And, I'm thinking about running for public office, which might be a huge mistake if all my skeletons come out of the closet, not that I'm embarrassed or afraid of them, it'd just be... stressful, having to deal with all that crap.

So yeah, hi! I'm Joelle Emmily, my last name doesn't matter, but it's Lapointe-Seguin, so french Canadian it hurts, I was born in 1980, which to me is more important than my age, I'm a gamer, I have some weapons training... and I like guns! but also sensible firearms legislation, I've studied economics, but have never once used it for anything productive, I'm a quantum physics nerd, I want to die on mars, well away from the stupid people, I really don't like text chats, I love writing e-mails, when I have money, I buy quality things with the dream of using them in interesting ways, but never actually use them... like buying a small scale portable studio in the hopes of making documentaries but ending up only taking stills of flowers with a high end VIDEO camera... I had a pregnancy "scare" in my early twenties, something happened... and I ended up not having a baby, which at the time was devastating, but now I think it's the luckiest bullet I've ever dodged, as a teen I dreamt about joining the navy but wasn't accepted because of congenital illnesses, so now I'm a wannabe, and I've taught myself mechanical and electronics design... and other stuff, most of which you'll say, "yeah whatever, you're lying," to. Also, something which affects every aspect of my life, I used to be Zen Buddhist, with a lot of Jainism sprinkled in, but I was born jewish, which colours a lot of my inner personality.


End file.
